How you talk to yourself about your child and about your interaction with them is probably the most important ingredient contributing towards what you experience in your relationship with them.
Let me explain.
An expectation is just a belief. A belief is just a thought you have thought again and again, so that it is easier to find. Imagine that you go to a very large library every day and look for a book. The first day it takes a while before you find the book. The next day, it is easier, and the day after that you know exactly where to go so it takes you no time at all. In just a few days you have so much practice that you could find that book with your eyes closed. Thoughts are exactly the same way. When you think the same thought again and again, it becomes easier to find.
Let’s say one day you call your adult child and leave a message, and you don’t hear back from them all day. You say to yourself “I wonder what’s wrong? it takes only a minute to call back – I’m disappointed that I am not important enough for my child to call me back”. When you put your focus on disappointment – guess what you’re going to get more of? Disappointment, of course. So you call again and the same thing happens, and you repeat the same thought. Now you’re all worked up. That’s the day when the call finally comes, and instead of saying “I’ve been waiting for your call – I’m so happy to hear your voice” what thought do you reach for? You got it! The thought that comes easily to you is “I’m so disappointed that you don’t care enough to take a minute to call me”. Is that the most appropriate thing for you to say? Not really, but it’s the most practiced thought so it’s the only one you can find. And the most practiced thought is now a belief that says your child doesn’t care enough. And now you will probably find many other things in your child’s behaviour that will prove you to be right.
The first thing is to notice if you do have expectations, and the second thing is to work them out of your system, by replacing them with better thoughts or self-talk. As you replace your expectations with better, more unconditional thoughts your results will change and things will become better.
It would go something like this:
Day 1: “I’m sure my child is really busy – they will call me back when they have time. I love my child, and I know that they care about me too”
Day 2: “I remember when I was younger and used to work long hours and be really tired at the end of the day – I didn’t really want to do anything – I’m sure my child is going through a similar phase. I love my child. I know that they love me too, I’m going to look forward to when they call and we can spend some time catching up”
You see with soothing self-talk like this, you will not be allowing the negative belief to gain a foothold, and eventually everything will work out in a manner that demonstrates to you that your child does care about you.
Positive, soothing self-talk works regardless of the age of your child. Let’s say that your child is an infant. You have been studying how to be a good parent and you have gathered all sorts of information about “what to expect”. As you gather your information you can make the conscious decision to accept or reject what you are hearing or learning from different sources. If you accept the information as valid, then you have included it in your belief system.
Let’s say you are talking to your mother-in-law, and she says “all my babies were colicky, a lot of babies are colicky for the first couple of months, they cry a lot and keep you awake at night”.
You have the option to say “yes, I’ve heard lots of people say that” or “yes, I know that can happen, but I also know examples of babies that sleep through the night, wouldn’t it be nice if my baby is like them”. This is a gentle way of rejecting the belief being presented to you and not getting into an argument with the person presenting it. If you start a discussion, they will just try to prove themselves right and in the process both of you will be focusing on the very thing you do not want. Generally speaking, which ever statement you use your internal thinking mechanism will start looking for evidence to prove it and the powerful law of attraction will bring you more of whatever you focus on. The more you look for evidence the more you will find and the more you will tell yourself that the information you got was correct, and the stronger your belief will become. If you choose to focus on colicky babies and sleepless nights, then the law of attraction will bring you more and more evidence of that happening to others and then to you, and if you focus on babies sleeping through the night then the law of attraction will bring you more of that.
Writing this book was a joy - it flowed.
I am so appreciative of Esther and Jerry Hicks and Abraham for all that they have generously given me over the years. Everything in this book is based on my understanding of the law of attraction and how it works based on the teachings of Abraham. Thank you.