Should we use Accountability Partners? A law of attraction discussion.

​Question from Ruth:  Zehra some people like to engage others to help hold them accountable for maintaining their commitments. Under what situations/intentions is it beneficial for people to do this?
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As I see it accountability is a way of creating “conditionality” or “contrast” on purpose. 

When we ask someone to be our accountability partner we are basically saying “I find it useful to have other people make me feel bad when I don’t do something that I am supposed to do.  I think that this goal that I want to accomplish is so important that I want you to make me feel bad when I get off track in doing the physical activities that indicate that I am making progress towards the goal.  When you make me feel bad, I will get back on track and then I will be able to achieve my goal”.

This concept of accountability is based on the premise that it is important for other people to like us – we feel “worthy” of getting our goal because we are doing the actions that we have decided must get us there.
But what about alignment? And what about giving your freedom away to someone else? And what about reinforcing the belief that what others think is more important than what I think?

On the other hand, if you had an accountability partner who checked in on your alignment and called you up the emotional scale before asking you to act – that sort of accountability would be perfect. That is the sort of accountability good leaders use, it’s how people mentor and coach, its how good teacher teach – all the people in these roles address how their charges are thinking, they focus on getting the right attitude first – and isn’t that everything.
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Being accountable can be a good thing because it creates the discipline to focus and get aligned.  Some people get aligned because contrast forces them to.  For example, children often have to find a way to make peace with the work that their parents force them to do, like cleaning their rooms.  Accountability is an antidote for procrastination because it forces a decision.  A decision is better than wobbling.  Once you decide then you can line up and take action.

In a healthy relationship, spouses and partners are excellent accountability partners for each other.  They help each other go up the emotional scale, they help each other make decisions, line up the energy and take action.

So you see, it’s all about the structure of accountability.  If you are accountable to someone who inspires you to go up the emotional scale then they draw out the best in you – and that’s a very good thing.  If you are accountable to someone who makes you feel bad, then you have to work twice as hard to go up the emotional scale and you might as well give up.

In the end, its all about the emotional scale.

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Here is a summary:

1. When we use "accountability" in regards to a commitment then we acknowledge we have some resistance about the subject. In that case, applying accountability is better than procrastination. Accountability is useful as a path of least resistance. 
2. Asking or expecting someone to hold us accountable for our own commitments is a conditional relationship. Feeling bad can give us the impetus to do what we need to do in order to feel good.  In other words, it is a way to intentionally create contrast in order to be forced to close the gap.
3. The word “accountability” suggests some sort of measurement.  A softer word to use would be “co-creator”. When we co-create with people who have the ability to hold themselves steady at the top of the emotional scale, the can guide us and inspire us to join them at the top of the scale and in the process they help us to become better versions of ourselves.  In other words, “encouragement” is better than accountability.
4. At the end of the day whether we respond to accountability or encouragement depends on the self-talk that is going on inside our heads. We can respond to either one positively or negatively and it is our response that determines our success in both cases.