When people can’t tell that they are being negative…

I met “DM” in a Facebook forum.  She posted a question to which I responded and then what unfolded went to many places and I thought it might be of help to share.


DM had the following concerns as our conversation progressed:

1. That the joint business with her husband was not making enough money.
2. That her husband was prone to being unpleasant to her.
3. That he considered their two children an inconvenience.
4. That she felt over-whelmed and suffocated.
5. That she was worried about her 3.5 yr old daughter's snoring.
6. That she had promised to find a way to fix her boy's eye sight by Christmas 2013.

In all of the above DM took the role of the victim.  Her whole conversation is slanted towards pointing at others as the cause and she cannot see that her own thoughts are pointed up-stream.  As I coach, I find that this is fairly common.  I have highlighted parts of this conversation to point out areas where she is not realizing how negative she is being.

As a coach who uses Abraham’s teachings as the basis for the work I do, I have to be careful how I offer my words to people I communicate with, because I acknowledge that I can plant beliefs in as much as I work to remove them.  Therefore, it is always my objective to probe for information till the person being coached comes up with the negative belief, instead of me saying “Oh! I think this is your negative belief, now let’s fix it.”  I find that a lot of therapy and counselling does that, they tell the person what the negative belief is (therefore planting it or creating it) and then they “fix” it.  When an individual comes out of a therapy session feeling that they “fixed” something, they feel better temporarily and then later the old vibrations come back because they have momentum – they may manifest in the same way again or in another way, but they will find some way of attracting attention calling the individual to do something about their misalignment.  

At the end of the day, Abraham says that there are only two ways to know where you are on the emotional scale 1) your manifestations are in keeping with the disc you’re on and 2) how you feel.  
When someone comes to me and tells me that there are a number of things in their reality that are really, really far from the way they want them to be, I know which way they are pointed, but unless they accept that they are creating their own reality and that there is something off in their vibration that is keeping them from getting the things they want, I really cannot help them – they are not ready to be helped.  That is especially the case, when the person concerned is pointing their finger at other individuals that they are co-creating with and holding them responsible for the way their own reality is unfolding.  It doesn’t matter what others are thinking and creating, if you have enough momentum on a high flying disc, your power of influence is so big that no one can buck your current.

With permission from DM I am sharing my dialogue with her.  My objective is to provide analysis that will serve to improve our collective understanding of the teachings of Abraham, and bringing more clarity to our lives.  I thank DM for allowing me to share.

DM “I understand that everyone creates their own reality but I'm confused about other people. My husband and I have our own business but I only advise right now since I have the kids all day. We talk about action steps but I don't actually do anything. Who controls the flow of this business? It is down 50% this month, which is very rare. Do I have control over it, does he, is it shared 50/50? I was reading a book that said your spouse does not control your flow of money, is that true when the spouse is the only one working? Then, my daughter got a fever, for 3 hours after an acupressure session. Do I have control over her health, or is that all her? It certainly influences me when I have to cancel plans and go into sick kid mode. I don't mind taking responsibility for me but I wonder where to draw the line with others.”

ME: You have power of influence over all the people around you - they are all your co-creators.  So you do influence the business and you also influence your children. The point here is - are you exerting this influence from a lower disc or a higher disc? When you exert your power of influence from a lower disc you can cause people around you to join you on that disc.  When you exert power of influence from a higher disc you influence others to join you on that disc. So all you have to do is to work on your vibration and make sure you are on a high disc, and then everything around you will fall into place on its own. Children specifically absorb your vibration and respond to it - so a child getting sick reflects not only the child's vibration but also a bit of yours.  If you have a habit of being in a place of worry, then your child will absorb this worry and think that something is wrong – if the worry involves the child, that makes it worse because now they feel that they are the cause of your worry and they know that they have no power of influence over you because your habit of thought has a lot of momentum – you have been thinking those thoughts for a while, and they cannot get you to change because they know you think you know better – that you know more than they do.

DM: Thanks, Zehra, I feel like I am in a really good place . So I guess I wonder why they aren't completely? I have been doing a lot of work on myself and I always have my thoughts in mind. Yesterday I was in a mood bad and the kids were also so I took a minute and calmed down and then we all went on with our day.

ME: Very well done DM - that is exactly what we are supposed to do in the moment. Looking at your original comment, it feels to me that the words "where to draw the line with others." while referring to your spouse and your children is an indication of overwhelment with all the stuff you're dealing with on a daily basis. When you are within a circumstance it takes more work to turn your focus away from it. But that is really what you must do - start saying things like "things are always working out for me" "my children are powerful beings and they were born with this knowledge that I am now trying to learn and if I just leave them alone and let them follow their own guidance they will be fine" and "I know my husband is doing the best he can, and I know he knows that I am doing the best I can, all we have to do is to continue appreciating each other and keep ourselves focused on the life we want to create together and pretty soon it will unfold" "I want ease and flow in all aspects of my life". Words like this will help you stay in the positive zone and then all things that you want will flow easily to you. BTW, that picture of you and the kids is so beautiful. Much love and appreciation. Z

DM: Thanks, we are going to counselling and I am trying to help myself wherever I can. My husband is mad because he doesn't like the process and he is not happy about it and it is frustrating because I wonder where we could be if he had a different attitude about it. At least he is going after 6 years of me asking. I'm tapping on all that now.

ME: Hummm..DM, it seems that there is a lot going on below the surface - there always is - you may have some resistance accumulating over the last six years with respect to your husband's stand on counseling. The fact that you still want to go means that you are not really in a place of appreciating him. Unless you can find things to appreciate him and your relationship for, the resistance that you have going on will not go away. My dear, counseling will just make you and him spend more time on the problem and the more you focus on the problem the bigger it gets. Not to say that all counseling is bad - just to say that you need to be on a high flying disc for all things in your life to fall into place.

DM: We are doing NLP, a form of energy psychology, and it is working wonders. She works on issues that set you off and neutralizes the trigger so that you can have a rational conversation. My husband is really like a different person after this. He is just frustrated that he has so many triggers. I love that she is helping me respond in the best way possible, he feels more picked on. I agree that typical talking therapy isn't helpful but this has been great.

ME: Good for you - I am NLP certified coach - however, since I have started using Abraham's processes I have left NLP behind. Just remember this one thing as you go to your sessions: the one who tries to control the behaviour of another, who tries to make the one behave in the way that they think is the right way is the one who  is harbouring resistance. NLP as well as Psyche-K (for which I am also certified) help to bridge the emotional work by making you believe in the techniques - and that is good too because whatever lets you release resistance is a good thing.

DM: I'm trying to understand what you are saying. I'm definitely the one who wants him not to yell or pout and just have rational conversations about things. Does that mean I am trying to control him? And that I have some sort of resistance?

ME: Yes, that's right, if you were truly on a high flying disc he would not be able to behave that way with you. Abraham has spoken about this subject many times and I will send you a list of videos. The reason I am so interested in this subject is that I have been through it myself. I thought I was in a mentally abusive relationship, then I figured out that I was drawing that behaviour from him – I figured it out all because of Abraham. However, I had already jumped out of the aircraft without a parachute in the sense that too much had happened so we got divorced - now we are the best of friends - but as I look back I know I could have handled it differently and we would have had a very happy marriage. Now I coach others about this and other stuff.  One of my friends recently told me that I had obtained a PhD in Abraham! I took it as a huge compliment and I think it was meant to be one. Anyway, if you are interested, I will send you a whole bunch of videos on the subject via private message as I think it would not be appropriate to post so many videos on the forum. There is great love here for you DM, and I truly wish for your happiness for you are a beautiful soul and a very powerful creator.

DM: Thank you for your advice. Here is what I am trying to understand: a while ago I understood the whole people are mirrors for you so I EFTed on me all the things I didn't like about the people around me. I found a big difference by doing that. But, with my husband (for example) he gets very upset if he can't go to an event his friends are going to and he pouts. The counselor traced it back to his dad's emotions when his mom went back to work and they had 3 little kids. Now, if he can't go to something, he understands and doesn't pout like the world is ending. So, what did that have to do with me? How did I change when she fixed that trigger in him because he stopped showing me that behavior? The therapist (who believes in LOA) is telling me that my husband suppresses his emotions and is constantly in the victim/persecutor/rescuer phase and that because of my finding LOA I have figured out that I don't want to do that anymore and she says that I am in a more healthy place. I'm interested in your take on things. Also, what do you think about clearing past life issues (I know Abraham says past lives don't affect you)? She clears many past life things and they make a huge difference. I used to be afraid of my kids choking if I left them with my husband and they were eating dinner. She said we were married once as Indians and he took our son on a hunting trip and the child drowned. After we worked on that I don't even think about my kids choking. What is your opinion on that? Thanks in advance for working this through with me.

ME: Your belief systems form the framework of reality within which your now unfolds.  
The law of attraction will always provide you with the evidence to prove your beliefs right.  That is why when someone believes that money is hard to come by it becomes their reality.  In the context of relationships, if you believe that someone is a liar, then you get to see that aspect of their personality.

Your NLP practioner is planting a belief from her position as a person of greater knowing compared to yourself.  Both you and your husband believe in her ability to know what is at the root of the problem and fix it.  Therefore, when she states something as being a problem, you and he both accept it and therefore it is, and then she offers a solution, which you both also accept and therefore it is.  Any method of releasing resistance is good, and makes a difference, however getting to the vibrational root and the vibrational cure is a much better way of doing things.  It's like taking medicine to cure pain, makes the pain go away but the vibrational discord has not left and will show up in another pain or symptom elsewhere in the body. Make sense?

As far as past lives are concerned here is the Abraham perspective.  At the level of Source all Inner-beings are one Source or collective intelligence.  At that level there is no separation and no individual personalities.  However, Source has the ability to focus through a singular point of view at any time - so Source can don the perspective of a fly or a dog or me at any time.  After we live a lifetime the information of that life becomes a part of the collective database of intelligence to which all Inner-beings as well as living-beings have access.  When you tap into past life regression you are calling forth information on "a" past life, not necessarily a life lived by you, because at the level of the Inner-being and Source, we have all lived the many billions of lives lived by every person that has ever breathed.  There is no such thing as your personal past life - it is all one collective intelligence.

As far as your husbands, childhood experiences are concerned – yes, it is true that we all learn habits from our environment and the adults around us when we are children.  I believe your husband throws tantrums when he feels that something is going to drag him off his high-flying disc, and yes, all children throw tantrums for the same reason.

There is great love here for you. Zehra

DM: Thank you, I have a few questions. I thought that NLP or EFT was curing the problem by providing a release. So, how do you find the vibrational root & cure?

ME: There are two ways to find a cure: 1) if the thing that bothers you or is a problem is not in your face everyday, then you can turn away from it and as Abraham says "lay new pipes". This allows the old beliefs to go dormant - just like a plant that you no longer water and eventually it dies. 2) if the thing that you are trying to fix is in your face all the time, you have to find the beliefs that are at the root of the problem and then use logic to disprove them. Once, disproved you introduced new beliefs to replace them (or new pipes). 

What EFT does is that it releases the enzymes that get stored in the human body as a result of the resistance that the negative belief is generating, because of the tapping - this makes you feel better and when you feel better, things get better.  However, if the beliefs are still active within you your results do not change.  If you did the vibrational work alongside the EFT and acknowledged the negative beliefs and then let them go consciously they become deactivated - gone for ever.  NLP does the same thing through the use of rituals - rituals help you to shift your focus and believe that an improvement is possible and the size of the improvement is directly proportional to the ability of the practitioner to inspire you and your need to allow the cure because you want it so much.

These techniques do work for people, because they do help you to shift your focus and that is the main ingredient in affecting a cure - and certainly you should use them.  The benefit of using Abraham's teachings is that you start understanding why EFT and NLP are working and what they are doing for you, and this sets you free because it is a thinking process that  you can do on your own with practice and once you learn it you are free for ever - you will never need a crutch such as NLP or EFT, because these shift the power of control in your life to someone/something OUTSIDE of you, whereas true control of your life comes from INSIDE of you.  The medical profession is the same way - it is not that they do not affect a cure, it is just that that cure is not coming from inside you and does not give you control.  Make sense?

If there is resistance inside of you, it will keep coming back and keep coming back and keep coming back in so many different ways and it will keep getting bigger and keep getting bigger and keep getting bigger until you finally do something about it.  That's when a lot of people just give up because nothing is working and that is actually a  good thing because when you stop trying so hard, and when you stop trying to get others to change, that is when you finally release resistance and give control back to your Inner-being, so that everything in your life falls into place.

Just so you know, I will be using our conversation without including your name in it, as a blog post on my website, because I feel that there is so much here that others will find of value. There is great love here for you. Zehra

DM: I think I understand what you are saying. A while ago MDT posted a wealth tapping booklet which I read. Money isn't my issue so I re-typed everything taking out the references to wealth so I could use it for everything. I have also recently read up on Ho'oponopono and what I have been doing lately is tapping on any and all negative thoughts that I can think of around and issue and any memories. Then I thank the memories for coming out and ask them to return home to love and then I tap on new positive beliefs about the issue. Then I muscle test on the old and new statements to see if it is resolved. Would you think this would work to lay new pipes? I have been going to the therapist but I also muscle test to figure things out on my own and, to me, this does seem like I have control and power. I know you have hundreds of Abraham You Tubes so I am listening to them when I can.

The one thing I am struggling with is my daughter's snoring. I have tried all sorts of traditional and alternative therapies and it persists. I sleep in her room because of it and 3 1/2 and she is struggling with independence. She is capable but wants me to still help her. Any insight would be helpful. This is definitely an in your face type of problem. I've explored it every way I can think of and yet we are still here.

ME: Stop exploring - stop thinking that there is something wrong with her. She is perfect exactly as she is - children expect unconditional love. Even if you don't talk about it in front of her, she is aware of your vibration and she is aware that you are with-holding unconditional love from her. You expect perfect behavior and responses from your children as in "please" and "thank you" - they are your teachers they want their freedom and they will create situations that you have no control over just to prove their point.

Going back to your earlier question about EFT and tapping - here are some thoughts.  You do not need to go back and search for negative thoughts, and then tap them out - by doing this you are actually activating negativity and then making a conscious effort to let it go - what is in the past is dormant if it is not being activated so you do not need to do that - don't go searching for negative thoughts, because you add momentum to the wrong side of the equation by doing so.

As for positive beliefs, they become part of your system only if the vibrational jump is stepwise and not a huge leap.  You cannot jump from the reality being, "I hate it when my husband is disrespectful towards me" to saying "My husband is sensitive to all my needs" it is too big a vibrational jump.  This work has to be done using a focus wheel, the practice of appreciation and rampaging. 

The muscle test is like taking a picture with a camera - it captures that one moment in time.  It does not guarantee your vibrational stability on a belief.  Go back and muscle test all the new beliefs you have worked into your system and document how many of them are still testing "strong".

After listening to your situation it feels to me that you are surrounded by co-creators with whom you have agreed on learning the power of unconditional love.  You my dear, are a very powerful creator who has intentionally embarked on this adventure of growth and expansion.  It is my pleasure to get to know someone like you - you are a beautiful family of souls.  Be gentle with yourself - there is no need for you to work so hard - this work is easy and it can be fun - if you will allow it.

DM: Thank you for all this information. I haven't shared with you that solutions to things I've wondered about for a long time just pop into my head now, also things for other people that they have been dealing with for a while. Also, I have a book entitled "Love" that I read over 10 years ago. It is calling to me very strongly and I will start reading it again tonight. Thanks again for your insight.

ME: A thought just occurred to me with respect to you, I am propelled to say this to you "your now reality is a barometer of your vibrational stance - if you are in the right vibrational state your now reality is exactly the way you want it to be - you are either manifesting exactly what you want or you have a knowing that it is the next logical step and you are heading in the right direction.  Blessings! Z

DM: Crazy because I was just thinking about that. Thank you

DM: I have been systematically dealing with our issues but these last few have been tricky. He thinks that everything changed when we had kids, in a "I blame the kids" kind of way. I also think everything changed when we had kids, but in a way that he didn't accept the kids and that is on him. It took me a while to figure out why he was showing me that the kids are an inconvenience because I don't think that. The other thing is that he makes assumptions and I don't do that in at all the same way, so I am trying to see how I do that. The last thing I figured out is why he always blames me. It is because when anything happens I always try to figure out how I caused it, taking responsibility for things, and he also gives me the responsibility. He is a nice person and I have no negative feelings about him. I can list many positive traits, I am working on the desire to spend time with him.

ME: Dear DM, The fact is that LOA is a law - like attracts like - you are both a perfect match for each other. In order to change things you first have to change your vibrational stance. You do not need to ask him to change, because when you change you will no longer be a match to the way he is behaving and then one of two things will happen: either he will change to match your new point of attraction or he will remain the same but not act the same in your presence, or secondly, he will not remain in your life. That is just how this stuff works - you have to do the work and leave him out of it. If I was coaching you, I would take your entire conversation with me to this point and show you how negative you are in the way you offer your thoughts. From where I stand I can see clearly why you are getting what you are getting my dear. Just ten years ago, I was behaving exactly like you are behaving just now - and that is why I know. It is your journey however, and as long as you hold him responsible for even a tad bit of it you will not be free of the blame and worry that is causing this situation to linger. The one who wants to brush it under the carpet in this case your husband is the one who is trying to lay new pipes - you on the other hand are bent on trying to open clogged pipes. That's another video you need to listen to! 
Every time you justify yourself you make the problem bigger - you have gained a lot of negative momentum on this subject - stop it! Please take the time to listen to the video clips - they will offer you a lot of insight. Much love, Zehra

DM: I'm not blaming him at all. I am taking responsibility for everything. I'm not trying to change him, I'm trying to understand what I am doing so I can change me, that was what I was saying. How is that being negative?

ME: Hi DM, Please go over what you have written. It’s not holding together in the sense that whereas you think you are being positive and taking responsibility – the words you have offered are not congruent with this stance. Z

DM: I did and I didn't see anything negative except maybe being too hard on myself. I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I have cleared up many things for myself in the last few months and my husband is treating me much differently. We have a few issues but I am working through those. I have always been successful and my life is certainly not in a bad place.

ME: Dear DM, Everything will fall into place for you - it always does. As Abraham says, "words don't teach, life experience teaches". If you are doing all the right things then your now reality should reflect the progress you have made - I am not discounting the fact that you have made progress, for I do not know all this is happening at your end. There are only two ways of knowing if you are on the right track 1) your reality reflects it, and 2) you feel good. Only you can judge where you stand. It is not my job to convince you either way. It is your journey and your life. I think I have completed what I wanted to tell you. The rest is up to you. I wish you well. Z

DM: I figured out my lesson - that everyone has a different perspective. You think that I am being negative and I don't think that at all. Neither of us is wrong, we are just filtering things through a different lens. I think I've needed to understand that because my husband has a different filter than I do. Thanks for the lesson.

ME: Excellent! I am happy for you - and yes you are right of course. 
The difference in perspective is a by product of being on different discs. Are you familiar with Abe's concept of the discs? As I was thinking about you, I listened to Abraham and I got my answers to the questions I had: as a teacher and a coach, I can only teach those who are vibrationally ready for me - I will be posting that video clip on my channel tomorrow morning. You are amazing DM and you will find your way. All is well. Z

DM: Can you please give me more insight on learning the lesson of unconditional love? I believe that was the lesson I needed to learn with my daughter's snoring and I asked to learn the lesson in a different way. She is better but now my son is being kicked out of vision therapy unless he chooses to change his behaviour and try. I've left the choice up to him and I am going to work on my limiting beliefs related to him and this but I'm not sure what else to do. I've always thought I'd find a way to fix his vision before Christmas and I'm guessing it is related to all this. Thank you


ME: I have been thinking how best to explain to you that as long as you keep trying to control your husband and your children, they will push back and the situation will keep getting worse. Your son is just telling you that he does not need the therapy you think is so important. Also, putting deadlines on things that you want is a sure way of creating resistance.

As Abraham would say to you DM - We love you very much but your thinking about these things is coming from a place of wanting to control things and that is creating a lot of resistance in your life - just let go my dear. Be easy about things - love your family just the way they are - that is all they want from you, and in return for this you will get all things that you want - great joy is waiting for you for you have asked for it and it is in your vortex.

DM: I don't think the therapy is important, the eye doctor does. The eye doctors are the ones telling us he has a serious problem. I told him yesterday I'm fine with stopping. I also told him that I would love him to take control of his behavior and school work because I really don 't want to control everything. I really want my husband and kids to take care of themselves so I can do my own thing but they keep asking me to get involved in their stuff, is that because I want space? I'm all for independence because I want mine also.

ME:  You confuse me, because you say one thing and then you say something completely different from it. Take a look at what you told me earlier: "She is better but now my son is being kicked out of vision therapy unless he chooses to change his behavior and try. I've left the choice up to him and I am going to work on my limiting beliefs related to him and this but I'm not sure what else to do. I've always thought I'd find a way to fix his vision before Christmas and I'm guessing it is related to all this. "I've always thought I's find a way...BEFORE CHRISTMAS"

You are sending the same sort of confusing signals to the universe and to your family - you say you don't want to control, yet your words indicate the opposite and when I point it out to you, you back away.

This means that you are not observing your thoughts and you don't even know when you are being negative, ie., you don't know the difference between a negative thought and a positive thought, and that is why you are stuck. 


You do have some results from the actions that you are taking, but you are not in your power because you are not acting from a higher place of energy. Action has result, but when action is taken after energy is aligned, there is no banging around and the results are way better. Plus when the stakes are high, it is not as easy to get results when you have resistance.

Here are a few more videos for you to listen to:

DM: I don't see this as confusing because I don't want to fix his eyes. We go to someone who does Body Talk and I was told that I could fix his eyes. I don't want anything to do with it, I feel like I'm responsible for fixing it. I also didn't come up with the deadline. I think you don't have the whole story and that it has more to do with my confused sense of obligation and responsibility rather than wanting to control. I really want everyone to leave me alone and be happy doing so and maybe that is why I'm feeling like I am being asked to be involved in everything.

ME: Why do you go to this person who does "body talk"? does it feel good? who made the decision to go?

DM: I like the body talk woman. I think I figured it out. I feel responsible for my family and I am overwhelmed by that and feel smothered by them. I want nothing more than for them to be independent. So they are giving me more chances to be overwhelmed by their neediness. I'm tapping on this. I back away when you call me negative because it doesn't resonate. I'm not negative, that isn't my problem. This all makes sense to me.

ME: Ok DM, it seems to me that you think you know what you are doing, and therefore my work here is done. I do not wish to communicate with you any further. I wish you well but I see no reason to continue this conversation. Be well.

After a conversation like this I truly appreciate the love with which Abraham talks to everyone in the hot seat.  It is clear to me that I cannot coach everyone who needs help.  I can only help those who are ready for me.  

I asked Abraham to tell me why this person was able to find me, since it was clear that she was not open to listening.  I received my answer.  DM's desire to improve her life is high.  At the time when she connected with me on the forum, she was on a higher disc, and I had the answers she was looking for - the law of attraction brought us together.  Over the days that we conversed, two things happened: 1) she did not stay on her high flying disc, 2) I did not stay on my high flying disc with respect to her long enough that I could call her up.  Many factors played up on my end - it was clear to me that she was not really listening or learning anything from me, and by day 5 it was no longer fun for me to communicate with her.  As a coach I have fun when I see people "getting it".  She was taking up a lot of my time - and my time is the product I sell as a coach, so I felt a double whamy: no satisfaction and no money.  There was no reason for me to continue my conversation with her. I was glad to send her on her way and turn my attention elsewhere.  I learnt that I am not the right teacher for everyone.  I also learnt that in a relationship a fair exchange of energy creates balance, and that I should not be offering my advice for free because I have not yet learnt to stay on my high flying disc and give my time away out of the goodness of my heart.  That until I reach a stage in my writing, speaking and coaching career where I am detached from money, I should not offer coaching for free.

I meet people people like DM all the time - they want good things to happen to them, but they go about it in a much harder action oriented way.  They don't realize that it is the manner in which they offer their words that creates their reality - a reality they are far from happy with and they want others to change or conditions around them to change to feel better.

Words carry vibration.

There is great love here for you,
Zehra
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